© Photography by ~CC
I am fascinated by life! Just like these "prisms" on my dining room chandelier serve as "a medium that misrepresents whatever is seen through it", how we view our life experiences we live on a daily basis "can be"misrepresented in the same way. Have you ever been accused of seeing a situation through rose colored glasses? Well, that's really where I'm going with this journal entry today. Another way that "prism" is defined a bit differently is "a medium that colors whatever is viewed through it".
For example, I've worked for the same corporation for nearly six years now. The first two years as a 40 hour a week "temporary" employee. Basically, I was a full-time employee with no benefits. I loved my job, the people I worked with, and worked for. On a quarterly basis there would be a "celebration" held in the office area and the majority of the team would congregate in a training room nearby.
Typically, the rule of thumb was that the temporary employees would stay behind and manage the phones while the permanent employees enjoyed the celebration. At one point after I transferred to a different team within the office, I was able to begin attending these celebrations. Even though still a temporary employee, I now began to feel like I was being included in everything,
finally. This was a great sense of inclusion for me, I had arrived; or so I thought.
This particular day I was caught off guard when I was scrambling at my cube to get my belongings to get to the room quickly for another celebration, my manager returned to my desk and asked me if I'd signed on for phone duty yet. Shockingly, I looked up at him as if he had just slapped me in my face and said, "No, I didn't realize I wasn't invited to attend the celebration today". Needless to say, he apologized for the miscommunication that I was to now begin to stay back with the other temps and I begrudgingly took the number and immediately went through the motions of what management expected of me. The celebration lasted for an hour, but the emotions that were going on inside my heart and inside my mind felt like days transpired.
My cube mate returned to her desk and could tell I was not myself. When she asked me if I was ok, I replied to her by saying, "If I didn't need this job so bad, I would have walked out of here today". I preceded to then tell her how unappreciated I felt, along with all the other temporary employees that dealt with this type of treatment on a regular basis. I was always seen by my peers and managers as a positive team player, never rocking the boat with inappropriate comments or unhealthy attitudes; so this reply to my cube mate really concerned her. Being that she cared about me, she shared this information with the Administrative Asst., which then shared it with the top Manager of the office. You get the picture?
At the time I was dealing with this situation, another issue that occurred a week earlier was really the "medium that was coloring my view" of what had taken place that day. You see, a week earlier I had learned that a full-time position I had interviewed for in our office was offered to a young girl 20 years my junior instead of to me. I didn't get it... this same girl arrived to work tardy on a consistent basis, had less seniority in the office, and had not proven herself in the ways I had for two years. "How could they do this to me?", I kept asking myself.
Now, it was beginning to make sense to me. After I went home that day, I replayed the situation over and over again in my mind. Do you ever do that when life's challenges surprise you? Well, right before my boss had come to my cube to advise me that I was to stay behind and cover the phones, I had seen this young girl walk out of the door near me to attend the celebration. A-ha! It was now all becoming clear to me what was really at the bottom of my anxiety and frustration. Dealing with feelings of unacceptance, rejection, and not feeling appreciated, can in many ways represent the "mediums" or "prisms" in our lives. The deep emotions they tap into catch us off guard...and then cause us to miss the opportunity of what God wants us to learn through the situation He is allowing us to experience.
Immediately after this occured, my grandmother died. I took a short time of leave and traveled to her funeral. Upon my return to the office, a few days went by and the manager I reported to invited me to meet with him for a chat. He started out the chat with, "I really hate to bring this up"...but I have to address it since the comment you made reached upper management and they insisted I address it with you." At the same time he made this comment, my heart was sinking. I was asking myself, "What could I have possibly said, and to who, and why?" I never speak out of turn, I was thinking. Then as if I were speaking myself, I heard the infamous words repeated to me from my manager that I had said to my friend that day weeks ago.
All of a sudden, I felt two inches high. It's amazing how when you hear a comment you have said in the heat of the moment articulated by your manager, it sounds like someone is using a megaphone. And, it sounds so arrogant, so unacceptable, and so disrespectful. He wasn't mad at me, because he knew this was not typically how I responded to situations. He was right, it wasn't. Yet, for some reason that day, I did. I immediately apologized to him, and I sincerely meant it. I explained to him what I learned about myself the day I made that comment. I searched in my heart as to why I had felt so explosive about similar things I'd dealt with for two years as a temp. What I learned was my not getting the job I had interviewed for had created not only a sense of resentment toward my peer, but also tapped into my feelings of being rejected, unappreciated, and disrespected by the Management itself. I told him my explanation in no way excused my behavior nor the comment I had made aloud. I also told him I'd personally apologize to my other superiors, which I did at a later time.
What did I learn about this life experience? I learned that when something occurs that bothers me, it's not necessarily the "situation" or "comment" presenting itself to me that's really the issue. But that the issue is much deeper, and God is allowing the issue to arise so I can come to know more about myself, how I'm wired, and why I do the things that I do. At the time, this was the most humiliating experience of my entire career collectively. Yet, retrospectively, it became the catalyst to my becoming more "in tune" with who I am. It's when we become "aware" of who we are that we really begin to have more insight into situations that occur. It's an opportunity for growth, for us to understand God has given us a new classroom and a new teacher. And trust me, if we don't get what it is that God is trying to teach us in a particular situation, He's great at giving us another classroom and another teacher that will present nearly the exact same scenario. I've been there, I can attest to this 100%. I now find myself begging the Lord for spiritual discernment so I can learn what it is that He wants me to learn...the first time around!
Don't allow the situations or awkward relationships you are struggling with right now become the "prisms" in which you view whatever you are seeing. Instead, ask the Lord for His wisdom and His understanding so that you can also learn from your life experiences, as I continue to learn from mine. Ask Him to help you to step back, journal what it is that you are feeling, and take it to a deeper level to find out where the foundation of your own feelings of being rejected, disrespected, and unappreciated come from. The current situation or relationship is only a "tool" in which God is using to get to the heart of the deeper issue.
The earlier one embraces every opportunity that is presented to him or herself, the faster one becomes who it is that God has truly created them to be. I am so much more content with who I am today, because of the painful and difficult challenges God has allowed me to experience in my life. My prayer for you is that you take a deep breath and that you allow what I've shared today to sink in. My prayer is that you begin to embrace each opportunity as your own stepping stone..and that you don't allow the "prism" of the situation to color your view of what is really happening, but that you go deeper...
Psalm 139:23Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
"Staying In The Day" with you and doing my best to embrace each new opportunity of learning to know myself better through the daily challenges God allows me to walk through. In all of this... it is me that He is changing, and for that I am greatly appreciative of ~CC
(Photo courtesy of Julie @ http://juliology.blogspot.com)
