© A Prism ~ A Medium That Misrepresents Whatever Is Seen Through It

© Photography by ~CC

I am fascinated by life! Just like these "prisms" on my dining room chandelier serve as "a medium that misrepresents whatever is seen through it", how we view our life experiences we live on a daily basis "can be"misrepresented in the same way. Have you ever been accused of seeing a situation through rose colored glasses? Well, that's really where I'm going with this journal entry today. Another way that "prism" is defined a bit differently is "a medium that colors whatever is viewed through it".

For example, I've worked for the same corporation for nearly six years now. The first two years as a 40 hour a week "temporary" employee. Basically, I was a full-time employee with no benefits. I loved my job, the people I worked with, and worked for. On a quarterly basis there would be a "celebration" held in the office area and the majority of the team would congregate in a training room nearby.

Typically, the rule of thumb was that the temporary employees would stay behind and manage the phones while the permanent employees enjoyed the celebration. At one point after I transferred to a different team within the office, I was able to begin attending these celebrations. Even though still a temporary employee, I now began to feel like I was being included in everything, finally. This was a great sense of inclusion for me, I had arrived; or so I thought.

This particular day I was caught off guard when I was scrambling at my cube to get my belongings to get to the room quickly for another celebration, my manager returned to my desk and asked me if I'd signed on for phone duty yet. Shockingly, I looked up at him as if he had just slapped me in my face and said, "No, I didn't realize I wasn't invited to attend the celebration today". Needless to say, he apologized for the miscommunication that I was to now begin to stay back with the other temps and I begrudgingly took the number and immediately went through the motions of what management expected of me. The celebration lasted for an hour, but the emotions that were going on inside my heart and inside my mind felt like days transpired.

My cube mate returned to her desk and could tell I was not myself. When she asked me if I was ok, I replied to her by saying, "If I didn't need this job so bad, I would have walked out of here today". I preceded to then tell her how unappreciated I felt, along with all the other temporary employees that dealt with this type of treatment on a regular basis. I was always seen by my peers and managers as a positive team player, never rocking the boat with inappropriate comments or unhealthy attitudes; so this reply to my cube mate really concerned her. Being that she cared about me, she shared this information with the Administrative Asst., which then shared it with the top Manager of the office. You get the picture?

At the time I was dealing with this situation, another issue that occurred a week earlier was really the "medium that was coloring my view" of what had taken place that day. You see, a week earlier I had learned that a full-time position I had interviewed for in our office was offered to a young girl 20 years my junior instead of to me. I didn't get it... this same girl arrived to work tardy on a consistent basis, had less seniority in the office, and had not proven herself in the ways I had for two years. "How could they do this to me?", I kept asking myself.

Now, it was beginning to make sense to me. After I went home that day, I replayed the situation over and over again in my mind. Do you ever do that when life's challenges surprise you? Well, right before my boss had come to my cube to advise me that I was to stay behind and cover the phones, I had seen this young girl walk out of the door near me to attend the celebration. A-ha! It was now all becoming clear to me what was really at the bottom of my anxiety and frustration. Dealing with feelings of unacceptance, rejection, and not feeling appreciated, can in many ways represent the "mediums" or "prisms" in our lives. The deep emotions they tap into catch us off guard...and then cause us to miss the opportunity of what God wants us to learn through the situation He is allowing us to experience.

Immediately after this occured, my grandmother died. I took a short time of leave and traveled to her funeral. Upon my return to the office, a few days went by and the manager I reported to invited me to meet with him for a chat. He started out the chat with, "I really hate to bring this up"...but I have to address it since the comment you made reached upper management and they insisted I address it with you." At the same time he made this comment, my heart was sinking. I was asking myself, "What could I have possibly said, and to who, and why?" I never speak out of turn, I was thinking. Then as if I were speaking myself, I heard the infamous words repeated to me from my manager that I had said to my friend that day weeks ago.

All of a sudden, I felt two inches high. It's amazing how when you hear a comment you have said in the heat of the moment articulated by your manager, it sounds like someone is using a megaphone. And, it sounds so arrogant, so unacceptable, and so disrespectful. He wasn't mad at me, because he knew this was not typically how I responded to situations. He was right, it wasn't. Yet, for some reason that day, I did. I immediately apologized to him, and I sincerely meant it. I explained to him what I learned about myself the day I made that comment. I searched in my heart as to why I had felt so explosive about similar things I'd dealt with for two years as a temp. What I learned was my not getting the job I had interviewed for had created not only a sense of resentment toward my peer, but also tapped into my feelings of being rejected, unappreciated, and disrespected by the Management itself. I told him my explanation in no way excused my behavior nor the comment I had made aloud. I also told him I'd personally apologize to my other superiors, which I did at a later time.

What did I learn about this life experience? I learned that when something occurs that bothers me, it's not necessarily the "situation" or "comment" presenting itself to me that's really the issue. But that the issue is much deeper, and God is allowing the issue to arise so I can come to know more about myself, how I'm wired, and why I do the things that I do. At the time, this was the most humiliating experience of my entire career collectively. Yet, retrospectively, it became the catalyst to my becoming more "in tune" with who I am. It's when we become "aware" of who we are that we really begin to have more insight into situations that occur. It's an opportunity for growth, for us to understand God has given us a new classroom and a new teacher. And trust me, if we don't get what it is that God is trying to teach us in a particular situation, He's great at giving us another classroom and another teacher that will present nearly the exact same scenario. I've been there, I can attest to this 100%. I now find myself begging the Lord for spiritual discernment so I can learn what it is that He wants me to learn...the first time around!

Don't allow the situations or awkward relationships you are struggling with right now become the "prisms" in which you view whatever you are seeing. Instead, ask the Lord for His wisdom and His understanding so that you can also learn from your life experiences, as I continue to learn from mine. Ask Him to help you to step back, journal what it is that you are feeling, and take it to a deeper level to find out where the foundation of your own feelings of being rejected, disrespected, and unappreciated come from. The current situation or relationship is only a "tool" in which God is using to get to the heart of the deeper issue.

The earlier one embraces every opportunity that is presented to him or herself, the faster one becomes who it is that God has truly created them to be. I am so much more content with who I am today, because of the painful and difficult challenges God has allowed me to experience in my life. My prayer for you is that you take a deep breath and that you allow what I've shared today to sink in. My prayer is that you begin to embrace each opportunity as your own stepping stone..and that you don't allow the "prism" of the situation to color your view of what is really happening, but that you go deeper...

Psalm 139:23Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

"Staying In The Day" with you and doing my best to embrace each new opportunity of learning to know myself better through the daily challenges God allows me to walk through. In all of this... it is me that He is changing, and for that I am greatly appreciative of ~CC

The "Uninvited" Gate of Hopelessness Opens, Please Don't Make Me Go Through It

"Why is it that so many of the wisest people in our lives, those who become our teachers, who inspire us to appreciate life more completely, are people who have experienced personal tragedy?" Excerpt from Alexander Stoddard's book on Making Choices.

Pain entering one's life in any form or fashion causes one to want to open a gate to escape. That's exactly what I've wanted every time tragedy has hit my life. What exactly is it that we're trying to run away from? I think it's the reality of our existence at the moment. Whether your pain is coming from sitting in a room and hearing the diagnosis of your illness is Cancer, or if it's the fact that the Cancer has robbed you of a loved one; or maybe your pain is a result of a husband or significant other looking you coldly in the eye and saying they no longer love you...your reality at that exact moment is numbness and hopelessness.

Life isn't turning out the way you thought it was, but hold tight... God's got a plan... He knew that whatever has happened to you was going to happen. You may ask, "Why has He allowed this situation to happen"? Well, I asked that same question. Little did I know that He could take what my reality was, rescue me, teach me deep truths from people much wiser than myself, and He would grow me into a woman of dignity that I never dreamed possible. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

When one is in pain, one of two things typically happen, we fight or flee. Sitting in my living room one early morning and hearing that delivered in a sermon from a Pastor on TV really settled into my spirit. That's "exactly" what I've wanted to do all my life when I felt uncomfortable in a job, or when the stress of life was too much. I didn't want to stay in the fire I felt if there was any way out...I wanted it. On January 16, 2002, I was in a fire when that call came in....I was in deep, deep, pain... All of a sudden, life seemed worth fighting for. My husband was worth fighting for. My family was worth fighting for. And, God walked me through the Gate of the "Unknown", the target we walked toward was called "PAIN". Each day that would unfold going forward was unknown terrain for me. I had no idea how a marriage of 20 years that I thought was the absolutely best thing in my life could possibly fall prey to infection, nonetheless my husband finding himself confused, lost, and cold in his heart.

Prayer changes "Everything" for us! Something happened on January 16, 2002 within my soul after that call was over. Numbness first, hopelessness second, weariness third, it kept getting worse... I immediately called a Pastor that has been a Spiritual Dad of ours, Pastor Larry Titus. sobbing profusely unfolded my reality of only a few minutes ago to him. I'll never forget what Dad Titus said to me, "Don't do anything, He's got to come home on his own. Pray the Holy Spirit convicts him of his actions, he must come home as a result of that conviction." Dad Titus then told me that he'd try to reach out to him, which he did. He phoned and left a message, Johnny did not take the call, but he did listen to the message.

Next, I reached out to my Pastors Dan and Nori Chesney to pray. I reached out to my Bible Study partners to pray. I reached out to my children, we cried and prayed. The first night after that call we literally had a full house of people and a time of prayer in our home. All sitting in a circle Pastor Dan spoke not only to me, but to our children that were 16, 18, and 26 at the time. He talked about the reality's of life and how the destruction of all families,, Christian or not, is #1 on the list for the one most of us know as "Satan". Now, he'd gotten permission to sift our family like wheat...and that's exactly what was happening.

HOPE comes in all shapes and sizes, some as gifts of money when the finances are not enough, sometimes in shapes of humans when one can't take another breath on their own. My gift of HOPE came in many ways those first two days. Because I'd reached out "only" to my closest circle of christian friends and church family, I knew my families reality would be kept confidential. You see, my dear friends just five years earlier had experienced a similar journey in their marriage. They told all their family, all the friends, etc... It was very hard for them to work on putting their marriage back together without the pressures of what everyone else thought. All I wanted was to have my husband back home, and I wanted us to learn what it was that God could teach us that would keep us and our family intact. I didn't need the outside influence of someone telling me I had every right to divorce my husband. I needed to focus...I needed to walk through this Gate with God, and not look back.

TODAY, I can tell you that God worked MIRACLES! Does that mean the miracle was that in an instant everything was fixed? No... Does that mean that I never felt any more pain once my husband returned? No... Does that mean that I felt safe once he came home. No.... What I can say "YES" to is that everything we walked through once he returned home was "WORTH EVERYTHING" to have us together and to have our family intact.

Ya know, I learned in my support group I joined years later that even if I would've moved on in my life without him, I just may have picked another man with the same issues and I'd be in instant replay all over again. Have you ever heard the phrase before, "If you don't learn what it is that God is trying to teach you, He'll give you a new classroom and a new teacher"? Well, you don't know how true that is...and I've met many women that this exact thing has happened to.

Staying in the Day on the onset of "betrayal" or "loss" of any kind seems impossible. The only way you can do that is to focus on what GOD wants to teach you as he "walks" with you through this pain. That's the thing I learned the most about those first two days after my husband called. I "felt" alone, but I knew I "wasn't" alone. My Lord was with me, He was carrying me, He was breathing for me...

One of the nights before my husband returned my daughter and I went in to the family room, layed face down on the floor... layed our hands on a handprint of his that we'd kept when he'd be traveling. It was the way we'd pray for him when he was gone. Well, this night, we layed on the floor face down. We anointed his hand print with oil, prayed our hearts out for his return, his safe delivery, his life. I remember at one point opening the front door and praying and believing that I would see him walk through that door... Within less than 24 hours I seen that vision for real. I call that a Miracle. Conviction in one's soul is brought on by the power of the Holy Spirit, just like Dad Titus said. And when my husband made the decision to come home, the coldness left his heart and soul, and the grief and sorrow of the reality of what he'd done had set in. So, in the front door came a man that I had not known before, a broken man, a lost man, a man that needed much healing and restoration. And, now there were two broken people, lost, and needing much healing and restoration.

Where ever you are today, my message to you is one of Hope. I too have walked a mile in your shoes. One that has been dealt "Pain" and "Loss" can use their testimonies to give HOPE that GOD still does miracles. I think the most important thing that I learned through my journey is that "I found Me". Sounds cliche, I know...but, it's so true. All my life I'd try to "fix" the people I loved. I would "hurt" when I saw them hurt... I would obsessively worry about things I had no control over. My painful journey with my husband caused me to reach out for help to get me and my marriage restored. I never understood that in the process I could find life to be lived in a more fulfilled and emotionally healthy way.

No matter whether your journey is one day, one week, one month, one year... Continue to surround yourself with "quality" friends, church family, and family that will support the path that God is leading you on. Whether it is to pray your marriage through a situation, or whether it's a decision that you have felt you are to move on... keep those closest to you that are strong, positive, and Godly influences. If you've not reached out to a Pastor yet, find one that you can relate to. You may not like what you hear, embrace it anyway. You may feel that all of this is unfair. It is, do it anyway. Only you can make the decision to stay and fight, or flee and leave it all behind. If you stay and fight, you just might win! I did!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Stay in it, use it wisely. Cry out to God and ask HIM for strength to get through the day. Cry out to God to have Him show you the way. Cry out to God and just "BE" with Him.

Staying in the Day with you...please reply with a comment if you'd like me to respond to what path you are now on! You are not alone!

~CC, also known as Cassandra to my Mom....

Hold On For Dear Life.....

Psalm 91:14-16 "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God, "I'll get you out of any trouble. I'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!"

As I read this scripture...I am reminded of these words, "TRUTH" shall set you free! There are many "Truths" in God's Word. Walking on any "Painful" journey sure does have a way of drawing us either closer to HIM, or further from HIM! I think that's where the "Better" or "Bitter" thing comes in to play. If we allow the "Pain" to be the catalyst to move us to a better place (Closer to HIM) than a bitter place, that's the action plan we must devise.

Photography by Carol on loan by Vonnie from her African Safari! Check out my link to her new Blog called Shikinah Art! Doesn't this photo remind you of two bitter birds?

Under the Links on this blog you will find one for Living Smart Resources. My Mentor of nearly 20 years, Devi Titus, has an audio CD I highly recommend. It's called, "From Bitter to Better". I think the first few years after our recovery began I bathed frequently in listening to both her and Dad Titus's teaching CD's. This one is specifically meant for what I'm talking about today.

Bitterness won't allow you to move forward in your recovery, it will only hold you captive. The pool of "bitterness" quicksand that will eventually swallow you up whole if you're not careful. Not only will it claim your life, but also the lives of those you love that are in close proximity.

Did I tell you that I never ever spoke ill of my husband to our children when he returned home? And I've not done so since either... My children at the time of his return were 17, 19, and 27. They told their father when he returned home that they'd forgive him the same way that he'd forgiven them all the times that they made poor choices. That is something I'll never forget. To him, our forgiveness was the beginning of his healing. The Grace we extended to him was something he'd not counted on. To be quite frank, it wasn't something we did in our own strength...I know it was a GOD thing! We knew in order for us to all heal, bitterness would never move us toward the prize we all wanted, TOTAL RESTORATION.

God being GOD knew and understood the levels of "poison" that we all stuffed here and there. Pain has a way of doing that, even sometimes when we've chosen to forgive. Little did I know that these pockets of bitterness were lying low inside of me. All of a sudden these outbursts would come from no where. I remember saying, "This isn't me". Well, guess what, it was me! That's when I knew I needed to find someone to help me understand at a deeper level how I could go from bitter to better....

If I'm thankful for one thing over the past six years, I'm thankful that my outward words to my children have never been demeaning or destructive to the person their Dad was and is to them. One of the other GOD things HE did for me. This is totally because GOD would not allow me to do this. They didn't need me adding anymore strife and division to their plate than they already had to deal with. I'm the adult.....I needed to work through my marital relationship with my husband, not my innocent adult children. They didn't need to hear about my pain, our pain. They had their own pain to deal with, and it was deep enough without my adding anymore to their baskets. We each in our own way have trudged up and down the mountains of emotions.

Today, my HOPE for you is that if Bitterness has gotten the best of you, you'll choose something BETTER.... Love yourself well by finding out how to LET GO and LET GOD teach you to leave the bitterness behind.

Until later.....Staying in the Day with you Always!
~CC

New Pain on top of Old Unprocessed Pain

I once was told by by someone wise that if one doesn't process pain when it occurs, it never goes away because it's never been expressed. It kind of just lingers there; and then we shove, stuff, or compartmentalize it. Thus, when something new occurs that brings us pain, that new pain taps into the old pain. If one is still not expressing the pain, the repetitive event in some ways is like a slow simmering volcano. Somewhere along life's path, it's going to erupt.

It's not that I never cried in my life as I was growing up, but I think I somehow created this coping mechanism of some sort. If I didn't tell anyone about the pain, or the things I was suffering from, maybe they'd just go away. That's odd...until I typed those words just now, I didn't know it was possible for a child to live in a state of denial. But that's exactly what I did as a child and young woman. I lived in denial of what my actual reality was. That's probably why I "chose" to be a positive cheery person too. I was always trying to make others laugh, because I didn't like to stay in sad places.

I think God allows us to keep this pace for just so long, and then... I rewind in my mind to the day I got that call from my husband. At the age of 46, this "new pain" was it. There was no more shoving, no more stuffing, there wasn't anywhere to put it. I was so full of unprocessed old pain. The time was now to start doing "something" with it, but I had no clue as to what. It's like I had all these packed bags, one on top of the other. I didn't even know where to begin. All I could see of course was the new pain. I remember feeling like God had me sprawled on an operating table, chest laid wide open. One by one, he asked for the tools as He proceeded to operate.

The surgery wasn't completed in a day though. I felt laid wide open for some time, and thought I'd never get all the bags of pain unpacked. I imagine now as I look back, I think my heart stopped more than a few times while I was on the operating table. Each time, Surgeon God, brought me back to life and continued to work.

Finances were extremely tight back then. We couldn't afford both of us attending counseling at that time, so I read as many books as I could to compensate. I had all the typical unanswered questions a spouse would naturally have. So, book by book, prayer by prayer, the surgery would continue. I remember wanting it to be over quickly. Life just doesn't work that way, darn it! Seeing my husband healing and experiencing health and wholeness again gave me comfort. His recovery and hard work and effort he was putting forth made me feel more safe.

I remember telling his counselor that I wanted a "Guarantee" that this would never happen again in our marriage. The counselor looked at me, and with a gentle soft voice told me that no one can give that guarantee. He said the only guarantee in my life would be that God would never hurt me, and He'd always be there for me.

All my life I was running away from processing pain. Now I was in a place that I was learning to process it every day. I remember wondering if life would ever move on. As much as I wanted it to move on, I knew at the same time God was doing "good stuff" in the surgery. As painful as it was, I was learning about my own things that I needed to take care of.

Then there were three... A month or so after our marriage took a turn, I got a call from two friends within weeks of one another. One was from a young married couple of about four years, another was from a couple that had been married for almost the same as us, 20. The exact same scenario was occurring in their lives. As unhappy as I was to hear about their own circumstances, somewhere I knew we were going to be an encouragement to each other. Each living virtually in different states from one another, but each struggling to figure out what in the world went wrong. How could this possibly be happening to us?

Those two friends have no idea how their walk with me helped me get through that first year. Whether it was a call, an email, or a note in the mail, they inspired me. They'd encourage me, I'd encourage them. If they were dealing with some tough stuff, or I was dealing with something, we'd call one another. Ephesians 5: 20 "Always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father."

Today I remind myself of how far I've come, with the help and direction from the Lord. A road to any type of recovery is long. It's not like we have instant recovery like "instant rice". If one could invent and market it, I'm sure everyone would buy it.

Today I marvel at who my husband & I have become. We're "authentic" people. I allow myself to not be perfect, and it's OK. There is much freedom in allowing one to just---be--- He takes care of his own side of the fence, and I take care of my own side of the fence. That's a terminology I learned about when I attended "The Healing Path" at The Barnabas Center. The Healing Path is a wonderful support class for women who are sojourning on this type of path. Our jobs were to take care of what we could, "ourselves".

Till later...Stay In the Day ~CC