Exactly What Does Living a Life of Transparency Look Like...

Photo by ~CC

Clouds have a way of looking transparent at times, but somewhere hidden inside a thin film of that cloud is something dark... hidden... maybe a storm that no one knows the depth of...maybe a storm like ours. We can hide some of the darkness for a period of time. There will come a time when our tears must fall...you may be surprised at how the rain of those tears will move us forward in understanding our journey in a greater way than we ever imagined.

The quality of being see-through is what the dictionary defines the word "transparent" as. Over the past six years I've heard repeatedly of the necessity in living an "authentic and transparent" life. The word authentic is described in the dictionary as "not counterfeit", which would be synonymous with the meaning of "not fake".

I'm choosing to talk about this subject for a particular reason at this phase of my own journey. I want you to understand the need for discretion in revealing your personal story, and what exactly a "transparent" life looks like for you right now. Appropriate "Next Steps" are critical in our lives, whether personally or professionally. In order to reach a particular goal in our lives, following a blue print is always helpful. Carefully selected "Next Steps" can in some ways provide you a path to follow. Each situation is unique, because our lives all take on different facets. What may have worked best for me, may not necessarily work best for you.

At each fork in the road it's critical to pray and ask God for guidance. You may have decided to not expose your situation to "anyone" in your life. You may have opted to "go it alone" and keep your pain tucked inside because it's too difficult to let anyone know what happened to you, to your relationship, marriage... You may have decided to shout it from the rooftop as a result of the fact that the pain was too difficult to mask, everyone now knows. Or, you could have been like me, and decided to be selective on who you shared your story with. Like an onion unfolding over the years, I have become totally transparent with certain individuals when the Lord has opened up what I call the "Godincident" moments. These moments are times in which I clearly have seen God open the window for me to share my story, a little bit at a time.

When I first learned of my situation, the last thing I wanted to do was tell everyone. I just knew we'd work through whatever issues we needed to, and I strongly felt that the fewer people that knew, it would be for the better. The last thing we really needed at that time was people feeling sorry for me, for us. I was concerned that when I was dealing with anger they could possibly influence my decision to stay in the marriage and work through the hard stuff. Our decision was kept to a minimum of friends and family knowing. Neither of us told our mothers, nor most our siblings. A year or so down the road, my husband confessed his infidelity to his father. The select friends that we decided to tell became our prayer warriors to pray us through. Other than that, no one knew what we were walking through unless we told them.

One of the things I learned when I joined the support group a few years later that was so influential in my healing was the need to learn how to become an "authentic" person. All my life I worked so hard to "hold it all together", that I really didn't know how to live my life any other way. "Fake it till I make it" was even part of my motto in the sales world I was a part of. I learned in my group that to be authentic it sometimes means to let my guard down, to be vulnerable, and to be open and honest about the reality I'm living in. There was something that allowed me to feel "Freed" when I chose to share my story with this support group of women. Not only was it healing for me to do that, but my story also encouraged others that had walked the similar path I had been on. Compassion for another helps us to realize we are not alone...and that to me was huge, and still is!

When I started this blog, one of the first journal entries I made was on living a "transparent" life. As I wrote that entry and was reviewing prior to posting it, part of me felt it was a hypocritical statement since I still had not confided my story to my mother, or my other siblings. I so much wanted to at times, but yet I always held back. In some ways I think I was protecting my mother from the pain of knowing what I'd walked through, and in some ways I was still trying to protect the reputation of my husband. For whatever reason, I had not told. Please let me share at this point that I personally think that revealing one's story is not for everyone! Only if it's what you think is best for you, your spouse, and your situation. Never should you tell someone in order to rally your own defense team. If you do, you've most assuredly set your course to go down a path that could end in the dissolve of your marriage.

In my case, it's been nearly 6 years come January 16. Many of the deep wounds have healed, and we continue to move forward in our recovery. We both have done tons of counseling, soul searching with God, and have worked on growing our relationships personally to mature spiritually, as well as emotionally. My husband and I both feel our calling is to minister to women and men that are now walking a mile in the moccasins we wore at one time, and continue to wear in the ongoing recovery of our previously broken marriage. The moccasins of a marriage in turmoil, in shock, in disillusion...ready to either explode, die, or radically get saved. It's because of this reason, and this reason only, that I knew it was a matter of time before we'd begin to tell others.

Just about 4-5 weeks ago I shared my story with my sister for a specific reason. She had someone close to her needing encouragement for their marriage to hang in there, to fight with all their might; I directed her to have them visit this site. This past Saturday a simple conversation led me to confess my journey to my mother, and I cried like a baby at one point when I shared my story and path I've lived this past six years. For me, the tears were one of relief that I could finally be honest with my mom. For once I allowed myself the release to just be a daughter, and let my mom comfort me. I'd rarely made that type of choice throughout my adult years. I was always trying to protect my mom from worrying. I was always trying to play the part of the caretaker. Now, I'm working hard at changing all the old roads I used to go down, I'm choosing new paths.

No matter what discretion you've used in selecting to let others know of your story, please be cautious. Pray about who should and should not know. The people you tell can either help you or hinder you, regardless of whether you work to keep your marriage together, or to dissolve it. Godly counsel for your marriage is a must! Without some sort of solid counseling on both you and your husbands part, you will just be spinning your wheels to repair the situation. We couldn't personally afford to have us both in counseling at the same time, so we did one year for my husband first, then I went to a 4 day Intensive Counseling week at "His High Places". There is a link on this blog spot where you can access to His High Places directly if you are interested. I learned a wealth of information about myself in those short 4 days. Enough to hold me another year until God would lead me to "The Barnabas Center". Each step of my path those first few years were divinely appointed by the Lord, I truly believe that. Like that onion unfolding, a bit of pain was able to be revealed each time I'd take the "Next Step". Each fork in the road allowed me the privilege to "Let Go and Let God" more and more, more and more.

For me personally, my telling my mother this past weekend has helped me to once again become more transparent, to allow someone that is extremely close to me to see a bit more of who I really am. By my telling her a portion of my story, I've allowed her to come in to see more of me and learn who I've become these past six years, and who I am today as a result of that. We are all constantly evolving in our lives. Sometimes it is the pain from our life experiences that helps us to become the beautiful flowers we're intended to be in God's Garden of Life.

My prayer for you is that you always move with caution, and that you only reveal your story to others that are "safe" and that will be respectful of your particular situation. Let me also caution you on the "wealth of information", or lack thereof that you may share. Details and content are not necessary, and I would not recommend you share them with anyone unless you are involved in a safe and protected environment where confidentiality is enforced. The only place I recommend sharing those types of truths, if you feel necessary, are in the safety and confidential haven of a professional Support Group led by a licensed Counselor. In my group we signed agreements that we would not reveal any of our peers situations outside the group. We all respected the agreement.

Staying in the Day & Continually Moving Forward in My Journey "With You"! ~CC

The "Uninvited" Gate of Hopelessness Opens, Please Don't Make Me Go Through It

"Why is it that so many of the wisest people in our lives, those who become our teachers, who inspire us to appreciate life more completely, are people who have experienced personal tragedy?" Excerpt from Alexander Stoddard's book on Making Choices.

Pain entering one's life in any form or fashion causes one to want to open a gate to escape. That's exactly what I've wanted every time tragedy has hit my life. What exactly is it that we're trying to run away from? I think it's the reality of our existence at the moment. Whether your pain is coming from sitting in a room and hearing the diagnosis of your illness is Cancer, or if it's the fact that the Cancer has robbed you of a loved one; or maybe your pain is a result of a husband or significant other looking you coldly in the eye and saying they no longer love you...your reality at that exact moment is numbness and hopelessness.

Life isn't turning out the way you thought it was, but hold tight... God's got a plan... He knew that whatever has happened to you was going to happen. You may ask, "Why has He allowed this situation to happen"? Well, I asked that same question. Little did I know that He could take what my reality was, rescue me, teach me deep truths from people much wiser than myself, and He would grow me into a woman of dignity that I never dreamed possible. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

When one is in pain, one of two things typically happen, we fight or flee. Sitting in my living room one early morning and hearing that delivered in a sermon from a Pastor on TV really settled into my spirit. That's "exactly" what I've wanted to do all my life when I felt uncomfortable in a job, or when the stress of life was too much. I didn't want to stay in the fire I felt if there was any way out...I wanted it. On January 16, 2002, I was in a fire when that call came in....I was in deep, deep, pain... All of a sudden, life seemed worth fighting for. My husband was worth fighting for. My family was worth fighting for. And, God walked me through the Gate of the "Unknown", the target we walked toward was called "PAIN". Each day that would unfold going forward was unknown terrain for me. I had no idea how a marriage of 20 years that I thought was the absolutely best thing in my life could possibly fall prey to infection, nonetheless my husband finding himself confused, lost, and cold in his heart.

Prayer changes "Everything" for us! Something happened on January 16, 2002 within my soul after that call was over. Numbness first, hopelessness second, weariness third, it kept getting worse... I immediately called a Pastor that has been a Spiritual Dad of ours, Pastor Larry Titus. sobbing profusely unfolded my reality of only a few minutes ago to him. I'll never forget what Dad Titus said to me, "Don't do anything, He's got to come home on his own. Pray the Holy Spirit convicts him of his actions, he must come home as a result of that conviction." Dad Titus then told me that he'd try to reach out to him, which he did. He phoned and left a message, Johnny did not take the call, but he did listen to the message.

Next, I reached out to my Pastors Dan and Nori Chesney to pray. I reached out to my Bible Study partners to pray. I reached out to my children, we cried and prayed. The first night after that call we literally had a full house of people and a time of prayer in our home. All sitting in a circle Pastor Dan spoke not only to me, but to our children that were 16, 18, and 26 at the time. He talked about the reality's of life and how the destruction of all families,, Christian or not, is #1 on the list for the one most of us know as "Satan". Now, he'd gotten permission to sift our family like wheat...and that's exactly what was happening.

HOPE comes in all shapes and sizes, some as gifts of money when the finances are not enough, sometimes in shapes of humans when one can't take another breath on their own. My gift of HOPE came in many ways those first two days. Because I'd reached out "only" to my closest circle of christian friends and church family, I knew my families reality would be kept confidential. You see, my dear friends just five years earlier had experienced a similar journey in their marriage. They told all their family, all the friends, etc... It was very hard for them to work on putting their marriage back together without the pressures of what everyone else thought. All I wanted was to have my husband back home, and I wanted us to learn what it was that God could teach us that would keep us and our family intact. I didn't need the outside influence of someone telling me I had every right to divorce my husband. I needed to focus...I needed to walk through this Gate with God, and not look back.

TODAY, I can tell you that God worked MIRACLES! Does that mean the miracle was that in an instant everything was fixed? No... Does that mean that I never felt any more pain once my husband returned? No... Does that mean that I felt safe once he came home. No.... What I can say "YES" to is that everything we walked through once he returned home was "WORTH EVERYTHING" to have us together and to have our family intact.

Ya know, I learned in my support group I joined years later that even if I would've moved on in my life without him, I just may have picked another man with the same issues and I'd be in instant replay all over again. Have you ever heard the phrase before, "If you don't learn what it is that God is trying to teach you, He'll give you a new classroom and a new teacher"? Well, you don't know how true that is...and I've met many women that this exact thing has happened to.

Staying in the Day on the onset of "betrayal" or "loss" of any kind seems impossible. The only way you can do that is to focus on what GOD wants to teach you as he "walks" with you through this pain. That's the thing I learned the most about those first two days after my husband called. I "felt" alone, but I knew I "wasn't" alone. My Lord was with me, He was carrying me, He was breathing for me...

One of the nights before my husband returned my daughter and I went in to the family room, layed face down on the floor... layed our hands on a handprint of his that we'd kept when he'd be traveling. It was the way we'd pray for him when he was gone. Well, this night, we layed on the floor face down. We anointed his hand print with oil, prayed our hearts out for his return, his safe delivery, his life. I remember at one point opening the front door and praying and believing that I would see him walk through that door... Within less than 24 hours I seen that vision for real. I call that a Miracle. Conviction in one's soul is brought on by the power of the Holy Spirit, just like Dad Titus said. And when my husband made the decision to come home, the coldness left his heart and soul, and the grief and sorrow of the reality of what he'd done had set in. So, in the front door came a man that I had not known before, a broken man, a lost man, a man that needed much healing and restoration. And, now there were two broken people, lost, and needing much healing and restoration.

Where ever you are today, my message to you is one of Hope. I too have walked a mile in your shoes. One that has been dealt "Pain" and "Loss" can use their testimonies to give HOPE that GOD still does miracles. I think the most important thing that I learned through my journey is that "I found Me". Sounds cliche, I know...but, it's so true. All my life I'd try to "fix" the people I loved. I would "hurt" when I saw them hurt... I would obsessively worry about things I had no control over. My painful journey with my husband caused me to reach out for help to get me and my marriage restored. I never understood that in the process I could find life to be lived in a more fulfilled and emotionally healthy way.

No matter whether your journey is one day, one week, one month, one year... Continue to surround yourself with "quality" friends, church family, and family that will support the path that God is leading you on. Whether it is to pray your marriage through a situation, or whether it's a decision that you have felt you are to move on... keep those closest to you that are strong, positive, and Godly influences. If you've not reached out to a Pastor yet, find one that you can relate to. You may not like what you hear, embrace it anyway. You may feel that all of this is unfair. It is, do it anyway. Only you can make the decision to stay and fight, or flee and leave it all behind. If you stay and fight, you just might win! I did!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Stay in it, use it wisely. Cry out to God and ask HIM for strength to get through the day. Cry out to God to have Him show you the way. Cry out to God and just "BE" with Him.

Staying in the Day with you...please reply with a comment if you'd like me to respond to what path you are now on! You are not alone!

~CC, also known as Cassandra to my Mom....