Holding His Hand Tightly As He Leads...

Tulips have a way of waiting for the perfect moment to reveal their true beauty, our lives sometimes are the very same way... God's timing is always perfect with everything he's created!

Who Was I?

Today I'm reminded of how much "My Story" of the past has bled into different chapters of "My Story" in the present. Those too familiar words have rung in my ear as I've journeyed, "Let Go and Let God".

I would find myself giving the wheel to God, and before I knew it, it was as if my life was heading for a sharp curve. The fear foundation that I was raised in would begin to bubble up within like a rising thermometer...and before I realized it, I'd ripped the wheel out of God's hands and taken it back into my own.

The Pieces all Link Together, One Way Or Another...
Everything from our past molds us into the individuals we become today, both good and bad. Larry Crabb's book, "Shattered Dreams" says it best. He writes that shattered dreams are never random, they are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. He moves on to write that the Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God., to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. He continues on in his book to share that it's our shattered dreams that have the power to change our lives for good, Forever." Reading his book would prove to be part of my process of breaking some of the barriers that needed broken down so God could do what He needed to do within my heart for the rebuilding of my marriage to begin.

Along Life's Way...I'm Getting it!

I have learned throughout the walk of our Marital Restoration that God uses "everything" to help us "GET IT". In the past seven years of walking in Marital Restoration and healing He has taught me more and more about myself, about the deepest fears that I would never acknowledge existed. He's taught me about "My Trust Issues" with Him. He's revealed to me all the hundreds of questions in my heart that I never allowed myself to voice aloud...and he showed me the depth of the anger I'd never allowed to surface my entire life. Did these things have anything to do with my marriage if their origin didn't have anything to do with it? Yes, inadvertently...I'm positive they did; regardless of whether the questions, fears, trust issues, or anger had anything to do with me or my husband's relationship directly or not. The "Dance" of marriage we observe and learn along the way becomes "Our Dance" as a couple. It's up to us then to make sure the steps we're dancing together need corrected by "The Professional", God, or not... Good Christian Marital counseling by trained individuals is critical for healing in a marriage. They were definitely part of His Blueprint for our healing and restoration.

Don't Sugar Coat It!

With all that I've learned these past years, I'd like to say that I have forever given the wheel to Father God, never to rip it out of his hands again. I'll be honest and transparent instead here and not sugar coat it..."it's a process" that I'm getting better at each time I'm allowed to walk through a period of crisis in my life. I owe God much, I owe Him everything. Throughout my life I've tried to save myself at every sharp curve and did a horrible job of it. I did the best that I could with the knowledge I had at the time. Within the past seven years God has used my life experiences in my marriage to get at the deeper core of all the roots that were robbing me of the full joy and peace that I could have if I just gave Him the wheel of my life, my heart. I learned that it's in my heart that I needed to give in, it's in my heart that I needed to "Let Go and Let Him be God"~

Where I'm At Today

Today I am using the "tools" that He has guided me to so I can continue to learn more about who I am and why I have done the things I have over the periods of my life to survive. What helped me survive my abuse as a child no longer work to survive my life crises as an adult. It's when I began to learn why I did the things I did that I could begin to change the things I could about myself, and that was only something I could do with His guidance and support every step of the way.

The Gift

Ultimately...my Marriage Crisis was a gift to me. I couldn't have made that statement on January 16, 2002...or December 25, 2005, etc... If the gift were packaged in the most beautiful gift wrap and tied up with the fanciest bow, I'm positive I would have never opened it if you'd told me what me, my husband, and my family would need to walk through to come to the place we are today. Trust is something I've learned along the way...and just like a real marriage, God is teaching me new ways to love him, new ways to trust him, and new ways to "Let Go and Let Him" control every area of my life, every crevice of my heart...

My Only Guarantee in Life

God is my only guarantee in life. Isaiah 42:16 "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them". When my Beloved first came home, this was the first scripture we put on a card and taped to our wall...we memorized it and would say it over and over and over. I realized that what I thought I wanted in the early stages of my journey was a "Blueprint" of weeks, months, and years ahead of me ~ The haunting question early on was, "What would we look like as a couple, family, would we make it?" And if we did, what would that look like? Instead "He", The Lord, wanted to lead me by holding my hand one moment and day at a time. Not only has that taught me how to trust Him more, but it's also how I've learned to trust my Beloved again...

No matter what our journey, He is here with us to "Stay In The Day" forever, regardless if we get the Blueprint we wanted or not! Just hold His hand and let him lead...you!

xoxo ~CC