"Why is it that so many of the wisest people in our lives, those who become our teachers, who inspire us to appreciate life more completely, are people who have experienced personal tragedy?" Excerpt from Alexander Stoddard's book on Making Choices.
Pain entering one's life in any form or fashion causes one to want to open a gate to escape. That's exactly what I've wanted every time tragedy has hit my life. What exactly is it that we're trying to run away from? I think it's the reality of our existence at the moment. Whether your pain is coming from sitting in a room and hearing the diagnosis of your illness is Cancer, or if it's the fact that the Cancer has robbed you of a loved one; or maybe your pain is a result of a husband or significant other looking you coldly in the eye and saying they no longer love you...your reality at that exact moment is numbness and hopelessness. Life isn't turning out the way you thought it was, but hold tight... God's got a plan... He knew that whatever has happened to you was going to happen. You may ask, "Why has He allowed this situation to happen"? Well, I asked that same question. Little did I know that He could take what my reality was, rescue me, teach me deep truths from people much wiser than myself, and He would grow me into a woman of dignity that I never dreamed possible. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." When one is in pain, one of two things typically happen, we fight or flee. Sitting in my living room one early morning and hearing that delivered in a sermon from a Pastor on TV really settled into my spirit. That's "exactly" what I've wanted to do all my life when I felt uncomfortable in a job, or when the stress of life was too much. I didn't want to stay in the fire I felt if there was any way out...I wanted it. On January 16, 2002, I was in a fire when that call came in....I was in deep, deep, pain... All of a sudden, life seemed worth fighting for. My husband was worth fighting for. My family was worth fighting for. And, God walked me through the Gate of the "Unknown", the target we walked toward was called "PAIN". Each day that would unfold going forward was unknown terrain for me. I had no idea how a marriage of 20 years that I thought was the absolutely best thing in my life could possibly fall prey to infection, nonetheless my husband finding himself confused, lost, and cold in his heart. Prayer changes "Everything" for us! Something happened on January 16, 2002 within my soul after that call was over. Numbness first, hopelessness second, weariness third, it kept getting worse... I immediately called a Pastor that has been a Spiritual Dad of ours, Pastor Larry Titus. sobbing profusely unfolded my reality of only a few minutes ago to him. I'll never forget what Dad Titus said to me, "Don't do anything, He's got to come home on his own. Pray the Holy Spirit convicts him of his actions, he must come home as a result of that conviction." Dad Titus then told me that he'd try to reach out to him, which he did. He phoned and left a message, Johnny did not take the call, but he did listen to the message. Next, I reached out to my Pastors Dan and Nori Chesney to pray. I reached out to my Bible Study partners to pray. I reached out to my children, we cried and prayed. The first night after that call we literally had a full house of people and a time of prayer in our home. All sitting in a circle Pastor Dan spoke not only to me, but to our children that were 16, 18, and 26 at the time. He talked about the reality's of life and how the destruction of all families,, Christian or not, is #1 on the list for the one most of us know as "Satan". Now, he'd gotten permission to sift our family like wheat...and that's exactly what was happening. HOPE comes in all shapes and sizes, some as gifts of money when the finances are not enough, sometimes in shapes of humans when one can't take another breath on their own. My gift of HOPE came in many ways those first two days. Because I'd reached out "only" to my closest circle of christian friends and church family, I knew my families reality would be kept confidential. You see, my dear friends just five years earlier had experienced a similar journey in their marriage. They told all their family, all the friends, etc... It was very hard for them to work on putting their marriage back together without the pressures of what everyone else thought. All I wanted was to have my husband back home, and I wanted us to learn what it was that God could teach us that would keep us and our family intact. I didn't need the outside influence of someone telling me I had every right to divorce my husband. I needed to focus...I needed to walk through this Gate with God, and not look back. TODAY, I can tell you that God worked MIRACLES! Does that mean the miracle was that in an instant everything was fixed? No... Does that mean that I never felt any more pain once my husband returned? No... Does that mean that I felt safe once he came home. No.... What I can say "YES" to is that everything we walked through once he returned home was "WORTH EVERYTHING" to have us together and to have our family intact. Ya know, I learned in my support group I joined years later that even if I would've moved on in my life without him, I just may have picked another man with the same issues and I'd be in instant replay all over again. Have you ever heard the phrase before, "If you don't learn what it is that God is trying to teach you, He'll give you a new classroom and a new teacher"? Well, you don't know how true that is...and I've met many women that this exact thing has happened to. Staying in the Day on the onset of "betrayal" or "loss" of any kind seems impossible. The only way you can do that is to focus on what GOD wants to teach you as he "walks" with you through this pain. That's the thing I learned the most about those first two days after my husband called. I "felt" alone, but I knew I "wasn't" alone. My Lord was with me, He was carrying me, He was breathing for me... One of the nights before my husband returned my daughter and I went in to the family room, layed face down on the floor... layed our hands on a handprint of his that we'd kept when he'd be traveling. It was the way we'd pray for him when he was gone. Well, this night, we layed on the floor face down. We anointed his hand print with oil, prayed our hearts out for his return, his safe delivery, his life. I remember at one point opening the front door and praying and believing that I would see him walk through that door... Within less than 24 hours I seen that vision for real. I call that a Miracle. Conviction in one's soul is brought on by the power of the Holy Spirit, just like Dad Titus said. And when my husband made the decision to come home, the coldness left his heart and soul, and the grief and sorrow of the reality of what he'd done had set in. So, in the front door came a man that I had not known before, a broken man, a lost man, a man that needed much healing and restoration. And, now there were two broken people, lost, and needing much healing and restoration. Where ever you are today, my message to you is one of Hope. I too have walked a mile in your shoes. One that has been dealt "Pain" and "Loss" can use their testimonies to give HOPE that GOD still does miracles. I think the most important thing that I learned through my journey is that "I found Me". Sounds cliche, I know...but, it's so true. All my life I'd try to "fix" the people I loved. I would "hurt" when I saw them hurt... I would obsessively worry about things I had no control over. My painful journey with my husband caused me to reach out for help to get me and my marriage restored. I never understood that in the process I could find life to be lived in a more fulfilled and emotionally healthy way. No matter whether your journey is one day, one week, one month, one year... Continue to surround yourself with "quality" friends, church family, and family that will support the path that God is leading you on. Whether it is to pray your marriage through a situation, or whether it's a decision that you have felt you are to move on... keep those closest to you that are strong, positive, and Godly influences. If you've not reached out to a Pastor yet, find one that you can relate to. You may not like what you hear, embrace it anyway. You may feel that all of this is unfair. It is, do it anyway. Only you can make the decision to stay and fight, or flee and leave it all behind. If you stay and fight, you just might win! I did! Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Stay in it, use it wisely. Cry out to God and ask HIM for strength to get through the day. Cry out to God to have Him show you the way. Cry out to God and just "BE" with Him. Staying in the Day with you...please reply with a comment if you'd like me to respond to what path you are now on! You are not alone!
~CC, also known as Cassandra to my Mom....
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