Exactly What Does Living a Life of Transparency Look Like...

Photo by ~CC

Clouds have a way of looking transparent at times, but somewhere hidden inside a thin film of that cloud is something dark... hidden... maybe a storm that no one knows the depth of...maybe a storm like ours. We can hide some of the darkness for a period of time. There will come a time when our tears must fall...you may be surprised at how the rain of those tears will move us forward in understanding our journey in a greater way than we ever imagined.

The quality of being see-through is what the dictionary defines the word "transparent" as. Over the past six years I've heard repeatedly of the necessity in living an "authentic and transparent" life. The word authentic is described in the dictionary as "not counterfeit", which would be synonymous with the meaning of "not fake".

I'm choosing to talk about this subject for a particular reason at this phase of my own journey. I want you to understand the need for discretion in revealing your personal story, and what exactly a "transparent" life looks like for you right now. Appropriate "Next Steps" are critical in our lives, whether personally or professionally. In order to reach a particular goal in our lives, following a blue print is always helpful. Carefully selected "Next Steps" can in some ways provide you a path to follow. Each situation is unique, because our lives all take on different facets. What may have worked best for me, may not necessarily work best for you.

At each fork in the road it's critical to pray and ask God for guidance. You may have decided to not expose your situation to "anyone" in your life. You may have opted to "go it alone" and keep your pain tucked inside because it's too difficult to let anyone know what happened to you, to your relationship, marriage... You may have decided to shout it from the rooftop as a result of the fact that the pain was too difficult to mask, everyone now knows. Or, you could have been like me, and decided to be selective on who you shared your story with. Like an onion unfolding over the years, I have become totally transparent with certain individuals when the Lord has opened up what I call the "Godincident" moments. These moments are times in which I clearly have seen God open the window for me to share my story, a little bit at a time.

When I first learned of my situation, the last thing I wanted to do was tell everyone. I just knew we'd work through whatever issues we needed to, and I strongly felt that the fewer people that knew, it would be for the better. The last thing we really needed at that time was people feeling sorry for me, for us. I was concerned that when I was dealing with anger they could possibly influence my decision to stay in the marriage and work through the hard stuff. Our decision was kept to a minimum of friends and family knowing. Neither of us told our mothers, nor most our siblings. A year or so down the road, my husband confessed his infidelity to his father. The select friends that we decided to tell became our prayer warriors to pray us through. Other than that, no one knew what we were walking through unless we told them.

One of the things I learned when I joined the support group a few years later that was so influential in my healing was the need to learn how to become an "authentic" person. All my life I worked so hard to "hold it all together", that I really didn't know how to live my life any other way. "Fake it till I make it" was even part of my motto in the sales world I was a part of. I learned in my group that to be authentic it sometimes means to let my guard down, to be vulnerable, and to be open and honest about the reality I'm living in. There was something that allowed me to feel "Freed" when I chose to share my story with this support group of women. Not only was it healing for me to do that, but my story also encouraged others that had walked the similar path I had been on. Compassion for another helps us to realize we are not alone...and that to me was huge, and still is!

When I started this blog, one of the first journal entries I made was on living a "transparent" life. As I wrote that entry and was reviewing prior to posting it, part of me felt it was a hypocritical statement since I still had not confided my story to my mother, or my other siblings. I so much wanted to at times, but yet I always held back. In some ways I think I was protecting my mother from the pain of knowing what I'd walked through, and in some ways I was still trying to protect the reputation of my husband. For whatever reason, I had not told. Please let me share at this point that I personally think that revealing one's story is not for everyone! Only if it's what you think is best for you, your spouse, and your situation. Never should you tell someone in order to rally your own defense team. If you do, you've most assuredly set your course to go down a path that could end in the dissolve of your marriage.

In my case, it's been nearly 6 years come January 16. Many of the deep wounds have healed, and we continue to move forward in our recovery. We both have done tons of counseling, soul searching with God, and have worked on growing our relationships personally to mature spiritually, as well as emotionally. My husband and I both feel our calling is to minister to women and men that are now walking a mile in the moccasins we wore at one time, and continue to wear in the ongoing recovery of our previously broken marriage. The moccasins of a marriage in turmoil, in shock, in disillusion...ready to either explode, die, or radically get saved. It's because of this reason, and this reason only, that I knew it was a matter of time before we'd begin to tell others.

Just about 4-5 weeks ago I shared my story with my sister for a specific reason. She had someone close to her needing encouragement for their marriage to hang in there, to fight with all their might; I directed her to have them visit this site. This past Saturday a simple conversation led me to confess my journey to my mother, and I cried like a baby at one point when I shared my story and path I've lived this past six years. For me, the tears were one of relief that I could finally be honest with my mom. For once I allowed myself the release to just be a daughter, and let my mom comfort me. I'd rarely made that type of choice throughout my adult years. I was always trying to protect my mom from worrying. I was always trying to play the part of the caretaker. Now, I'm working hard at changing all the old roads I used to go down, I'm choosing new paths.

No matter what discretion you've used in selecting to let others know of your story, please be cautious. Pray about who should and should not know. The people you tell can either help you or hinder you, regardless of whether you work to keep your marriage together, or to dissolve it. Godly counsel for your marriage is a must! Without some sort of solid counseling on both you and your husbands part, you will just be spinning your wheels to repair the situation. We couldn't personally afford to have us both in counseling at the same time, so we did one year for my husband first, then I went to a 4 day Intensive Counseling week at "His High Places". There is a link on this blog spot where you can access to His High Places directly if you are interested. I learned a wealth of information about myself in those short 4 days. Enough to hold me another year until God would lead me to "The Barnabas Center". Each step of my path those first few years were divinely appointed by the Lord, I truly believe that. Like that onion unfolding, a bit of pain was able to be revealed each time I'd take the "Next Step". Each fork in the road allowed me the privilege to "Let Go and Let God" more and more, more and more.

For me personally, my telling my mother this past weekend has helped me to once again become more transparent, to allow someone that is extremely close to me to see a bit more of who I really am. By my telling her a portion of my story, I've allowed her to come in to see more of me and learn who I've become these past six years, and who I am today as a result of that. We are all constantly evolving in our lives. Sometimes it is the pain from our life experiences that helps us to become the beautiful flowers we're intended to be in God's Garden of Life.

My prayer for you is that you always move with caution, and that you only reveal your story to others that are "safe" and that will be respectful of your particular situation. Let me also caution you on the "wealth of information", or lack thereof that you may share. Details and content are not necessary, and I would not recommend you share them with anyone unless you are involved in a safe and protected environment where confidentiality is enforced. The only place I recommend sharing those types of truths, if you feel necessary, are in the safety and confidential haven of a professional Support Group led by a licensed Counselor. In my group we signed agreements that we would not reveal any of our peers situations outside the group. We all respected the agreement.

Staying in the Day & Continually Moving Forward in My Journey "With You"! ~CC